March 26th - The News that Broke the Internet
Starting off today with a little bit of trivia. I Tehcarp (Anton) write my comments after Paul writes everything with merit. Today however I have not the time to do the thorough go over I might have normally so you can all enjoy an all white (just how you like it) TVFR. I should be back tomorrow with some of "the good shit"
May your village remain un-razed.
-Anton
Scientology founder, L Ron Hubbard, has been outed as the son of kumquats. Until today, TVFR has brought you news from around the world using the resources of the world wide timetrap, but today, our reporter obtained from man himself, pictures of his family tree - thus TVFR can be the first to report that L Ron Hubbard is the son of a pair of Indian fruits.
Left: Hubbard and his rentals taken after the publication of Hubbard's first book, "Dianetics", one of the most annoying, stupid, puerile and facile collection of words ever shoved between two covers and given the glorious misnomer "book".
L Ron Hubbard, whose real name is Lakshman Rondalovishnu Halallentilburger Kumquat, briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in the early 1980's whilst posing as a suntanned cucumber and using the name Larry Fortenski, was revealed as a fraud by hero of the western world, Charlton Heston after discovering a recipe for kumquat chutney in which the key ingredients were listed as "Mom and Dad".
TVFR can now bring you the truth thanks to years of investigative reporting into this matter by our intrepid and indefatigable newshound, Hector M. Daly.
Here's the whole story.
Since 1968, Charlton Heston had been stalking Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart became a Scientologist in 1971 and Heston was incensed. How could any real red-blooded American Christian woman turn down the modern day Moses? Heston resolved to find out everything he possibly could about this immigrant upstart.
The awful truth emerged about the sweet looking Kumquat when Heston found a draft copy of Kumquat's first book in Stewart's dressing room, "Dianetics - Or How Best to Eat Your Parents." Horrified by what he saw, Heston approached Stewart, but the world's biggest purveyor of Tupperware was, by this time, entranced by the messages contained in the manuscript and assured Heston it was all metaphorical.
References to his family and pictures of the family tree were quickly removed before the manuscript was published and Heston let the trail run cold while he made (among other films) The Omega Man, Antony and Cleopatra and Soylent Green between '71 and '73.
By then it was too late. Dianetics - or How Best to Eat Your Parents had been renamed to the now familiar "Dianetics" and Kumquat had changed his name to the innocuous "Hubbard" and set about writing his 2nd most boring manuscript, "Battlefield Earth".
Heston gave up the chase after being elected Sovereign Deity of the free world (president of the N.R.A.) and became a hermit after John Travolta, also a Scientologist, successfully convinced the media he wasn't having rampant poo-sex with Tom Cruise, they were merely discussing the screen adaptation for the book in rather realistic fashion.
Our reporter, Hector M Daly just happened to be at the after party of last year's Golden Raspberry Awards (Heston's is the standard by which shit movies are judged), when he overheard the big C mention the full title of "Hubbard's" book, Dianetics.
Right: A contemplative Charlton Heston doing a Paul Newman impersonation whilst brooding over a pair of Martha Stewart's big stinky underpants.
It only took one whisper in Heston's ear that TVFR would reveal the sordid history of Heston's breaking into Martha Stewart's home to raid her laundry basket for dirty panties and we'd do it if he didn't reveal the full story behind Dianetics. Daly had his fingers crossed when he promised Heston his pervy little secret would be safe.
So there you have it.
L Ron Hubbard is a homicidal Kumquat.
And Charlton Heston is a panty-sniffer.
You heard it here first.
I apologize after the fact for todays horrible topic. Blame George W Bush, he didn't get nobody killed t'day so the news is all "sans le vrais news". Big shout-out to North Korea though, still haven't blown yourselves up.
TVFR - Wrong News, Right View.
May your village remain un-razed.
-Anton
Scientology founder, L Ron Hubbard, has been outed as the son of kumquats. Until today, TVFR has brought you news from around the world using the resources of the world wide timetrap, but today, our reporter obtained from man himself, pictures of his family tree - thus TVFR can be the first to report that L Ron Hubbard is the son of a pair of Indian fruits.
Left: Hubbard and his rentals taken after the publication of Hubbard's first book, "Dianetics", one of the most annoying, stupid, puerile and facile collection of words ever shoved between two covers and given the glorious misnomer "book".L Ron Hubbard, whose real name is Lakshman Rondalovishnu Halallentilburger Kumquat, briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in the early 1980's whilst posing as a suntanned cucumber and using the name Larry Fortenski, was revealed as a fraud by hero of the western world, Charlton Heston after discovering a recipe for kumquat chutney in which the key ingredients were listed as "Mom and Dad".
TVFR can now bring you the truth thanks to years of investigative reporting into this matter by our intrepid and indefatigable newshound, Hector M. Daly.
Here's the whole story.
Since 1968, Charlton Heston had been stalking Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart became a Scientologist in 1971 and Heston was incensed. How could any real red-blooded American Christian woman turn down the modern day Moses? Heston resolved to find out everything he possibly could about this immigrant upstart.
The awful truth emerged about the sweet looking Kumquat when Heston found a draft copy of Kumquat's first book in Stewart's dressing room, "Dianetics - Or How Best to Eat Your Parents." Horrified by what he saw, Heston approached Stewart, but the world's biggest purveyor of Tupperware was, by this time, entranced by the messages contained in the manuscript and assured Heston it was all metaphorical.
References to his family and pictures of the family tree were quickly removed before the manuscript was published and Heston let the trail run cold while he made (among other films) The Omega Man, Antony and Cleopatra and Soylent Green between '71 and '73.
By then it was too late. Dianetics - or How Best to Eat Your Parents had been renamed to the now familiar "Dianetics" and Kumquat had changed his name to the innocuous "Hubbard" and set about writing his 2nd most boring manuscript, "Battlefield Earth".
Heston gave up the chase after being elected Sovereign Deity of the free world (president of the N.R.A.) and became a hermit after John Travolta, also a Scientologist, successfully convinced the media he wasn't having rampant poo-sex with Tom Cruise, they were merely discussing the screen adaptation for the book in rather realistic fashion.
Our reporter, Hector M Daly just happened to be at the after party of last year's Golden Raspberry Awards (Heston's is the standard by which shit movies are judged), when he overheard the big C mention the full title of "Hubbard's" book, Dianetics.
Right: A contemplative Charlton Heston doing a Paul Newman impersonation whilst brooding over a pair of Martha Stewart's big stinky underpants.
It only took one whisper in Heston's ear that TVFR would reveal the sordid history of Heston's breaking into Martha Stewart's home to raid her laundry basket for dirty panties and we'd do it if he didn't reveal the full story behind Dianetics. Daly had his fingers crossed when he promised Heston his pervy little secret would be safe.
So there you have it.
L Ron Hubbard is a homicidal Kumquat.
And Charlton Heston is a panty-sniffer.
You heard it here first.
I apologize after the fact for todays horrible topic. Blame George W Bush, he didn't get nobody killed t'day so the news is all "sans le vrais news". Big shout-out to North Korea though, still haven't blown yourselves up.
TVFR - Wrong News, Right View.
posted by ChatRat at Sunday, March 26, 2006
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