April 9th - No news is good news

So I'm not bringing you any news today. It's all just too damn boring it's unbelievable. In fact what we present is more believable than what's going on around the world at the moment.

To give you an idea how interminably boring the news is, the Prime Minister of Thailand has resigned. The French are still throwing chairs at one another over the labour laws, the Belorussians are just fucked.

And Bush is leaking. Anton knows what I think of that.

So that's it in a nutshell. Sit back, relax and do whatever it is you do when you're bored out of your mind and even ESPN won't save you.

April 8th - And they gasped in awe

Every now and then and because TVFR is your best source for the best news ever, presented the way you really want to read it, I lose track of what I'm thinking.

And lose their INTEREST as you fall onto faulty sentence structure! Blasphemy Paul, blasphemy.

But I have proof in front of me today that, despite the wishes and advice of people who know - and in absolute disregard for the national sovereignty of other nations, the government of the U.S.o.M.N.A. considers itself to be the rightful sovereign government (less "ment" and more "ing body") over every other nation on earth.

But not to worry, if you're not a 'merican you will probably get nuked. There isn't even something you can do about it either because they have the starwars project. All you will be able to do is nuke Canada accidently when they shoot down your warheads and if you're lucky, kill the very northern states with fall-out for thousands of years. (But they don't put anything important up there anyway.)

Up until now, everyone only suspected it, but I've got it in proof in black and white and you can check it for yourselves if you wish.

Peace Now is running with information about a bill currently before the House of Representatives which they say should be voted down - in the name of peace. There are other organizations which agree with Peace Now, including Jewish organizations and in this case, they really do know what's what concerning this bill.

The only problem I have with this article personally is that they do this: "Americans for Peace Now (APN) believes...". I am already on your god damned site, reading your god damned eco nazi bullshit, you don't have to tell me it is you saying the things said if I can plainly read (and I can) the name at the top left of the screen. Fucking novices.

Whatever, none of that is relevant as far as we're concerned, that's all in-house bluster and self aggrandisement and it is as ridiculous and inconsequential as it looks. Bush the Clown in any other clown suit would still be a clown.

And who the fuck decided that abbreviations were kosher (no I am not Jewish, I just like the word. Hitler used it, why can't I) on something like a typed document where the phrase can easily be copied and pasted, or even fucking typed for that matter. It was a good idea when the first asshole to walk the earth thought it up, but not every asshole should have the priviledge.

Or it would be inconsequential except for the last little item in the bill to which we here at TVFR (us two assholes have the priviledge, plus, four words is hard for people to remember without the memory aid of an abreviation) feel your attention should be drawn because it affects us as well.
Sort of. A bit. Maybe.

Anyway, here's the proof that the Government of the U.S.o.M.N.A. thinks everyone should do as they're told...

Item number 7 in bill number HR 4681 reads:

7. Require the President to direct U.S. representatives at International Financial Institutions (e.g., the World Bank, IMF) to use the voice, vote, and influence of the U.S. to block any aid to the Palestinian Authority

Since when, we'd like to know, was an international body such as the UN or the IMF, subject to having its decisions bullied by the government of the U.S.o.M.N.A.? Why, we'd like to know, are these international bodies not permitted to function independently of the whims of the NeoCons in Washington who direct Dubyist policymaking?

Since always. Try and work in the USoMNA without following all the rules, them kills ya fer dat serta thing.

Shocked? Annoyed?
Lets hope not, the rest of the world is way more fucked up than that.

Well this little item from Beta News will shock you even further.

You know money doesn't grow on trees, but what about if you could grow your own batteries in a petri dish? Pretty cool huh?

"...researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have "trained" viruses in a lab to create a miniature battery.

By manipulating a few genes within the virus, researchers were able to get the organism to grow and then assemble itself into a functional electronic device. They hope to be able to build a battery that could be as small as a grain of rice."

Next they'll come up with really tiny devices in which those batteries can be used.
Batteries are acctually the name given to a set of cells connected in sequence. as in how a D battery (6.0V) has 4 AA batteries (1.5 each) in it to produce the neccesary voltage. Basically, what Paul wanted to say without knowing he should have, was cells.

The camera you can store in your nose for instance.
Hearing aids for mice.
Fisher Price toys for zygotes.
Portable kettles for people who like really small cups of coffee.
A vibrator for Paul.
A machine to make the worlds smallest violin so that Paul has something to cry to.
The Machine that makes the worlds smallest ammounts of Cortizone for the BURN Paul just endured. (Haha, I am so witty.)


The possibilities are endless.
Though we may have just expended them.

There are times I feel you'd make excellent sharkbait, Anton. Oddly, those times appear to be coming more frequently.

And just when the crowing died down from those paleontologists who found billion year old bones of a fish with feet, the dirt turners in Utah have found the progenitor of the emu (pron. eeem yooo) (or, Eemoo)(Fuck you, it's our bird, it's eeem yooo) or something rather larger and less friendly than Australias most famous dumb thing. (Excluding Pauline Hanson.) (Yeah, I don't know who she is either.)

National Geographic, every schoolboy's first porn source, tells us velociraptors are now yesterday's news, because they've unearthed the Hagryphus giganteus("giant four-footed, birdlike god of the western desert")

Could this be the Pterosaur? are they trying to cover up the last link that shows dinosaurs lived among us in the time of Adam and Eve and Moses and the Great Flood and shit? (Yeah, I don't READ the bible, but I did watch Rugrats, and Tommy was Jewish so I got the Hebrew side pretty down pat). If I sound like I am on crack, that's because I am trying to make a point. Operation Pterosaur scared the hell out of me.

"Only fragments of the animal were discovered—a fearsomely clawed hand and foot. But the dinosaur probably stood seven feet (two meters) tall and ran as fast as an ostrich, according to paleontologists Lindsay Zanno and Scott Sampson."

They apparently thrived until the advent of Colonel Sanders.

Sorry Paul made this so boring.
-Anton

Anton has crabs. That's his excuse.

April 7th - Martial Madness Day

Bloomberg and others report the United Nations is forming a new council, the Human Rights Council to replace the old Human Rights Commission. We here at TVFR are moved to think back to such lovely and ultimately meaningless catchphrases like Versailles Treaty, Locarno Pact and League of Nations.

No, remember we talked about this, only you are moved to remember shit that happened before I was born.

Which is practically everything in human history...

Canada and the United Kingdom are nominating (nominated?)(ok, standing for election then) for membership of this revamped farce as representatives of the entire western hemisphere. The U.S.o.M.N.A. has wisely opted out of this for the first 12 months (BITCHES!) prefering to sit on the sidelines and see how it all pans out - or doesn't - before nominating for inclusion in the new Council.

They have to figure out how they can swindle it to their own device before deciding whether to cut it down at the knees or spearhead it. Pay close attention to this one.

It's Canada and the United Kingdom, they already have it figured out. They take those two delegates to dinner, tell them exactly what the U.S.o.M.N.A. wants, and they instantly have two votes on the Council instead of one and can appear to the outside world to be completely disinterested in the whole process. The rest of the delegates get loaded onto a bus with Kenneth Copeland for a scenic tour around Lake Geneva and a lovely little chinwag about Jesus.

You're only getting one story today - but let's be honest, this one was worth it. The reason you're only getting one is because Anton and I have had other things to do during the time we would normally be writing TVFR for you godless hordes.

But I'll make up for it tomorrow and with a bit of luck, my grouchier-than-I cohort will stun you with his intellect if not his perspicacity and linguistic legerdemain.

(After he reassures himself of the correct spelling of legerdemain, misanthropic snarler that he is.)

April 6th. TVFR Day

Yes, that's right my pretties, it's TVFR Day brought to you by the numbers 36, 27 and 35 and the letters S.A.Y. N.O. T.O. T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S.

To quote a hypocrite, "Turn off the TV and go outside".

The Chicago Sun-Times has given TVFR a gift and presented it on a silver platter.

Really makes you proud to be anything but American doesn't it. At first I thought this was a very clever April Fools joke, but I was horribly mistaken. The fools of this post are the writers and editors at the Chicago Sun-Times that just happened to make a delightful bit of humor out of what we already knew to be fact, Americans eat more than they should, look uglier than they should and have sex with too many animals (You might know them as the pleasure barn inhabitants, assuming you're rural enough.)

When we saw the headline "Slim ray of hope in fat study", you can imagine our unmitigated glee. When I suggested to Anton we run riot with this, his response to me was - and I quote...

"Do it, I dare you, you manipulatable tub of enfestuous lard."

Paul really is anorexic on teh IRL doh, he dun ete nuffin never.

Then the caustic Canuck suggested I work Lambuel the Zealous Lamb of the Lord into this story. As if I don't have enough to do already.

How could you not link that amazing site! For those of you unenlightened heathens, a lesson in Christianity that even kids can understand. I give you Lambuel. Personal favourite, Habu the Hindo Elephant. "hey Haby, how many gods do you have?" "Habu: I don't know, I lost count" "Wouldn't you rather have one god that loves you alot than a bunch of gods that don't love you at all?

Anyway, "In 2003-2004, 33.2 percent of women in the United States were obese, a slight drop from 33.4 percent in 1999-2000."

Fat Women are a crime. If you think about it, you have to work HARDER to be fat, you have to eat _more_ than the rest of us. Don't let it get to you though fatties, there's always a train to bite.

That means one third of American women are not merely fat, one in every three women in the U.S.o M.N.A. is a buttermonster (The North American Butter Monster cannot in fact make any sound other than the gurgles made as air escapes its greased throat). Jim Carlson of Objective Ministries, creator of Lambuel the lamb views this a measure of his success, getting people to eat lambs for Jesus instead of eating burgers for Satan.

"Women tend to be the first to adopt healthy practices, and they eventually might pass those habits on to their children, said Dr. William Dietz, director of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's division of nutrition and physical activity."

So, much, wordcrime...

I swear I did not make that up.
His name is Dietz!
His name really is Dietz.

Of course the implication is there are more corpulent (This means fat you retarded fat fatties) American men than there are corpulent American women and my guess is they're also more corpulent by comparison.

Ship them all to a big island til they sink it (with the weight) or give them a chance to fix it. If you are fat and don't want to be, we are here for you (I will even sponsor one of you fatties til you are a slim and proper individual, email me, no pictures). If you are fat and liking it, you are a fucked up individual, I hope you die of fat heart.

I wouldn't have brought up any of these food references. I sure as shit wouldn't have suggested shipping all the seppo fatties to a big island. I live on the biggest island on the planet, Anton, you turd. In fact I was thinking twice about even running with this story. Deep down I'm a compassionate soul, yes, I'm a very caring and sensitive person. I understand it's already a burden being laden and weighty so it's just not my style to make persons of obscene proportions feel worse than they already do by highlighting their problem.

That is exactly what I am for, realize that fat is not the place to be, ask friends and family (the ones that aren't fat asses) to help you, don't waste any more food or I will get the mob to sell you as feed to Ethiopia.

And "FAT" is an ugly little word.*Break*

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT

*Resume*To two thirds of Americans - the two thirds who aren't big, brawny, broad, bulging, bulky, chunky, corpulent, distended, dumpy, elephantine, fleshy, gargantuan, gross, heavy, heavyset, hefty, husky, inflated, large, meaty, paunchy, plump, plumpish, ponderous, porcine, portly, potbellied, pudgy, roly-poly, rotund, solid, stout, stubby, swollen, thickset, tubby, weighty or whalelike - it's a downright revolting little word. It reminds them of their embarrassing compatriots.

Don't be embarassed, go to an effing gym, people won't laugh if you are trying to fix it (yes fix it, it is a PROBLEM).

(I will, but I'm a cunt.)

"Some experts said the bad news on kids and men outweighs the encouraging findings about women. In 2003-2004, 17.1 percent of kids were seriously overweight. That's up from 13.9 percent in 1999-2000 and roughly 5 percent in the 1970s."

Women, stop giving fat men the thought that they might have a chance, why need to be forced into radical changes to preserve their lives. Sure some of them are nice people, but they are going to die sooner.

Some experts, huh? I'm always sceptical when I see that sort of reporting. Some experts can be two blokes at the pub discussing how much they don't like abundant, ample, awkward,burdensome, copious, cumbrous, elephantine, enceinte, excessive, gravid, gross, hefty, huge, large, lead-footed, lumbering, massive, parturient, porcine, substantial, top-heavy, two ton, unmanageable, unwieldy, zaftig women and mulling over what better words there are than just "fat" to describe them.

I can't legally drink Paul, and I can't go to any bar that you go to because they are all like 12000 miles away.

All those adjectives are in alphabetical order because Paul used a thesaurus.

What do you think, Anton? (Not about thesaurus.com either.)

Fat people need to either die, or have a near death experience that makes them want to lose weight. Also, down with junk food, I hope everyone that eats the shit gets rapid onset diabetes and dies of a sugar overdose.
Yeah, I think that about wraps it up.

April 2nd. The Day After.

Who would have believed us if we brought you the News from The View yesterday, hmm?

Nobody

Tired of picking on old subjects, save to highlight those we picked as having earned themselves Prize Clacker Awards, The Thai Prime Minister, the French Prime Minister and the Belarussian Prime Minister, to name but three and those three must be feeling like proper dopes now, I'm back in the saddle after a week of absence wondering if Anton will find time later today to do his bit.

One day later? Still good right? You can all blame the public school system for my absence this past week. Fuck education far as I am concerned.

For those who need to know what's going on here at TVFR, Anton is busy building the foundations for his future success. Me, I've been doing other things and neglecting TVFR because, well, doing it by myself isn't half the fun as doing it with Anton.

As a percentage the fun would be 0%. I am pretty sure that all the fun in news is derived from me. This could be untrue if you are one who can be amused by the giant cookie the bakery down the street made or the latest USoMNA gang shooting. Hell, some of you are still amused by the kill count to that little "war" *coughslaughtercough* happening in the country formerly known as Iraq.

I can tell you that because I don't often get to write with a co-author. He'll tell you that because he wants women to know he's the best lay since the Trans-Canada Highway. Whatever, modesty is bullshit 99% of the time anyway.

I like to be modest so people compliment me more, I call it fishing. For most of you Americans a good example is the government's internal public relations. Sure they kiss the babies but I think they might like better to have them with a side salad (Most of you can rest easy though, I think Bush may be allergic to minority children).

The cliff note for all of that is he's been busy studying and hasn't had time to enjoin the frivolity here.

If anyone wants a copy of the shit I had to do, too fucking bad.

The New York Times, however, is a different basket of apples (you say apple, I say potato). Our favourite paper (Paul's favourite, I am all about the communist papers) is quoting reports from The Christian Science Monitor concerning the release of journalist Jill Carroll. Now, when I was poking through the current daily news to bring the best of it to you, I read the whole Christian Science Monitor article - and almost puked.

Jill Carroll was being held captive in Iraq and apparently said some regretable things for the benefit of IH8U TV for Terrorists, which she said she (alliteration to emphasize the noun) was forced to say. The Monitor has a link to the video. It's ok, Jill really, we understand. Just remember, you're not alone. Most of the planet thinks Dubya is a dangerous idiot (Blasphemy! the god of the A-mare-ee-kans is not a dangerous idiot).

All I can say to the terrorists in respects to their next victim is, pick me you wankers, stop picking on these weak christian woman who grew up in the cellar of their pastor (too soon?) and try picking on someone with an educated slant on religeon (the slant that it may not in fact exist)


In China, Xinhua reports of an explosion in a Chinese Explosives (Imagine if it hadn't exploded, how pissed off the clients would have been, faulty explosives and all) manufacturing plant.
Besides reports of at least 20 casualties, the only other thing to report is the factory's Quality Control department was said to have got the biggest and shortest lived surprise in the history of surprises.

Wheres the suprise? Americans gave smoking to China for just this reason, they knew eventually it would kill someone other than Middle American housewives and has-been highschool quarterbacks.

My god, a week off really has an effect on you, doesn't it.


In more NY Times news, we hear tens of thousands of pilgrims flooded into St Peter's Square in the Vatican to ignore the new pope. The new pope has been there for one year, a fact which has the distinction of being the only bit of news that can produce a surprised yawn.

Well tens of thousands of Catholics congregated in St Peters yesterday to yawn at the people who turn dead people into saints(ahem Paul, magic dead people), because they haven't forgotten some miracle or other which JP2 apparently performed. Staying alive 10 years past his use-by (better known as a best-before) date isn't a miracle in this day of modern medicine. Just like the doctrine of eating fish on Friday, it seems delusional fantasies are alive and well in the cloisters (that is a place inside some churches, it's where they let the monks and Nuns etc. walk around - I explain for those of you who don't; go to church, read books, or play Diablo 2).


There was something else I wanted to bring to everyone's attention as well but I've forgotten what it was. That's how it goes sometimes, I suppose.

Maybe it was... the single scariest thing this side of the otherside. Lambuel the psychotic christian lamb.