The news that broke the internet the other day, brought to you first by TVFR seems also to have broken the bank.

The Sydney Daily Mirror reports Tom (I was a dick for dumping Nic) Cruise has been sighted almost sucking the dick of the new richest man in Australia, James Packer, in a bit to get some funds for the cash-strapped Church of Scientology.

El Graspy Tomaso has suggested James donate his late dad's estate to the church. That's a billion dollars. If it were a billion Polish zlotis, I could understand the size of the request. A billion zlotis wouldn't get you a handjob from a cheap hooker. (Anton told me that.)

So trippy has Cruise become, he has embraced a church which "preaches that alien souls, sent by evil alien lord Xenu, are trapped inside us and have to be removed using an "e-meter"."

I just gotta get me one a them things. Phew, what a bunch of freaks!


Remember we told you about the student unrest in France over the new labour laws enacted there? You don't? Well click here and refresh your 3 minute attention spans, then read on...

The latest developments reported by The Guardian give the impression that whole country is on the verge of civil war.

Civil war in France would be an interesting concept. It's about the only country in the history of the world which hasn't won a war on it's own account. If I were Villepin, I think I'd have pants full of poo by now.

Here's a tip from TVFR, Dominique; repeal the law before they impale you and set your sorry arse on fire a la Joan of Arc.


Just briefly, things in Belarus took a turn for the predictable the other day too. The U.S.M.N.A.(q.v.) is getting on its high horse on the grounds of democracy being abused in that little nation. Here's a tip from TVFR, Mr Lukashenko, quit. Now before they impale you with the stars and stripes and make you listen to Bush sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow in E flat.


Pertinent only to TVFR and it's small but loyal following, Anton was not able to impart his wisdom, observation and razor sharp wit yesterday because of commitments elsewhere. We still love him, obnoxious little show-off that he is. When I sent him my heartfelt compliments yesterday, his reply was unexpected but strangely typical:

"You're proud of me if I take a crap."

I'd be proud if you managed to get it bronzed and put on display in the Smithsonian, other than that, who, but you, gives a shit?

March 27th - or the answer is 42

The L.A. Times reports...

"Scientists in northeastern Ethiopia said they have discovered the skull of a small human ancestor that could be a missing link between the extinct Homo erectus and modern humans."

Haven't we been here before? They find a shard of skull an inch square and from that they can deduce the individual of whom it formed a part was 165cms tall, weighed 58kgs, had shoulder-length black hair and general body hair all over, would have worn size 8 antelope skin footwear and enjoyed a last meal of braised hippo bottom in piquant sauce with a few yams and native berries on the side.

ABC News took this a little further, essentially explaining the fact they found something somewhere and we really know nothing about what we've found, where we found it, or how old it really is.

"The cranium dates to a time about which little is known the transition from African Homo erectus to modern humans. The fossil record from Africa for this period is sparse and most of the specimens poorly dated, project archaeologists said."


CNN is telling us something about heads missing from the bodies of 30 people found in yet another grave in Baghdad.

Shit, wonder where they could have got to.


Ok, this next item is just way too creepy. Women's Lib gone off-the-scale kind of mental. German scientists have discovered sperm from adult mice exhibit stem cell like qualities. The logical inference is that human sperm may be able to do likewise and if that's the case, it would be unnecessary to destroy or create embryos.

Didn't Monty Python warn us that every sperm is sacred? Now the Sydney Morning Herald is saying it.

You women don't have to worry about this, but I for one don't especially like the idea of boffins eyeing off my nads for the contents thereof. Particularly not German boffins. Suppose they get all hyperactive about the medical benefits of massive supplies of stem cell qualitative sperm and we see formations of Boffin S.S. squads demanding of all chaps a regular supply.


Brrrr...

Change of subject.

One closer to my heart, the Boston Globe is reporting local politicians are moving to raise the minimum age for drivers to get their licences.

"A junior at Reading Memorial High School, Nadeau was killed when the BMW in which she was riding hit a tree on Route 128 in Wakefield on March 17. The driver, 16-year-old Scott Connolly of Reading, was also killed in the crash."

Being an old fart, I'd have no qualms about raising the age to 21.

March 26th - The News that Broke the Internet

Starting off today with a little bit of trivia. I Tehcarp (Anton) write my comments after Paul writes everything with merit. Today however I have not the time to do the thorough go over I might have normally so you can all enjoy an all white (just how you like it) TVFR. I should be back tomorrow with some of "the good shit"

May your village remain un-razed.
-Anton

Scientology founder, L Ron Hubbard, has been outed as the son of kumquats. Until today, TVFR has brought you news from around the world using the resources of the world wide timetrap, but today, our reporter obtained from man himself, pictures of his family tree - thus TVFR can be the first to report that L Ron Hubbard is the son of a pair of Indian fruits.

Left: Hubbard and his rentals taken after the publication of Hubbard's first book, "Dianetics", one of the most annoying, stupid, puerile and facile collection of words ever shoved between two covers and given the glorious misnomer "book".

L Ron Hubbard, whose real name is Lakshman Rondalovishnu Halallentilburger Kumquat, briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in the early 1980's whilst posing as a suntanned cucumber and using the name Larry Fortenski, was revealed as a fraud by hero of the western world, Charlton Heston after discovering a recipe for kumquat chutney in which the key ingredients were listed as "Mom and Dad".

TVFR can now bring you the truth thanks to years of investigative reporting into this matter by our intrepid and indefatigable newshound, Hector M. Daly.

Here's the whole story.

Since 1968, Charlton Heston had been stalking Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart became a Scientologist in 1971 and Heston was incensed. How could any real red-blooded American Christian woman turn down the modern day Moses? Heston resolved to find out everything he possibly could about this immigrant upstart.

The awful truth emerged about the sweet looking Kumquat when Heston found a draft copy of Kumquat's first book in Stewart's dressing room, "Dianetics - Or How Best to Eat Your Parents." Horrified by what he saw, Heston approached Stewart, but the world's biggest purveyor of Tupperware was, by this time, entranced by the messages contained in the manuscript and assured Heston it was all metaphorical.

References to his family and pictures of the family tree were quickly removed before the manuscript was published and Heston let the trail run cold while he made (among other films) The Omega Man, Antony and Cleopatra and Soylent Green between '71 and '73.

By then it was too late. Dianetics - or How Best to Eat Your Parents had been renamed to the now familiar "Dianetics" and Kumquat had changed his name to the innocuous "Hubbard" and set about writing his 2nd most boring manuscript, "Battlefield Earth".

Heston gave up the chase after being elected Sovereign Deity of the free world (president of the N.R.A.) and became a hermit after John Travolta, also a Scientologist, successfully convinced the media he wasn't having rampant poo-sex with Tom Cruise, they were merely discussing the screen adaptation for the book in rather realistic fashion.

Our reporter, Hector M Daly just happened to be at the after party of last year's Golden Raspberry Awards (Heston's is the standard by which shit movies are judged), when he overheard the big C mention the full title of "Hubbard's" book, Dianetics.


Right: A contemplative Charlton Heston doing a Paul Newman impersonation whilst brooding over a pair of Martha Stewart's big stinky underpants.

It only took one whisper in Heston's ear that TVFR would reveal the sordid history of Heston's breaking into Martha Stewart's home to raid her laundry basket for dirty panties and we'd do it if he didn't reveal the full story behind Dianetics. Daly had his fingers crossed when he promised Heston his pervy little secret would be safe.

So there you have it.

L Ron Hubbard is a homicidal Kumquat.

And Charlton Heston is a panty-sniffer.

You heard it here first.

I apologize after the fact for todays horrible topic. Blame George W Bush, he didn't get nobody killed t'day so the news is all "sans le vrais news". Big shout-out to North Korea though, still haven't blown yourselves up.

TVFR - Wrong News, Right View.

March 25, 2006 - homage to news that isn't.

In it's continued quest to bring to the world The News That Isn't, The New York Times reported from Le Louvre on the paintings of one Jean-Auguste-Dominique Ingues.
TVFR can give you the link, but you won't see the whole thing unless you're a subscriber.

Not a suggested course of action. Think of boredom, then think of having it e-mailed to you.

Here are some of the more pompous quotations contained in the article:

(On the painting "Jupiter and Thetis") "The proportions in the picture are wrong, as they always are with him, but in the end they make their own peculiar right."

For those of you not well versed in art, everything that Ingres ever did was out of proportion. The person had some mental ailment -like all good painters do- that made him see people all skewed. "Ingres loved nudes but hated anatomy"

(On the Ingres exhibition itself) "Jean-Auguste-Dominique Ingres, the prince of darkness, is installed in the basement of the Louvre, his supernatural skill and imperious authority, as usual, inducing in a viewer the slightly uneasy sense of not quite being up to the work. At the same time his art is so curiously touching. Beneath the surface, suffocatingly perfect, as Baudelaire said, is pathos."

I am about to vomit. Only the most pompous and self indulgent elitist pig would ever utter some stupid shit like this. All Ingres wanted to do was something different, don't make it more than it is.

"You find it in his drawings of his first wife, Madeleine Chapelle. Nine of the 10 he did are here. I nearly wept."

You nearly wept because either you're a chick or you are the biggest whipping boy in the whole of the globe.

Ok, that's enough of that.
Fuckin eh

~

"One team, using computer models of climate and ice, found that by about 2100, average temperatures could be four degrees higher than today and that over the coming centuries, the oceans could rise 13 to 20 feet — conditions last seen 129,000 years ago, between the last two ice ages."

This is not news because two plonky engineers from the University of Arizona have been saying this since 2002. The other reason it's not news is because by 2100, none of us is likely to be around anyway and if we are, we'll be too old to give a shit.

In 2100 I will only be 112 and if things keep going as we are now, that will be about middle age.

It will be more interesting in Venice - the one in Italy, not the one in the U.S.M.N.A. - where high tide sees the water lapping around the ankles of the al fresco dining set. In the second half of this century, if all these predictions are correct, Venetian turds will floating around next to the latte glasses on the table tops and canneloni will be off every menu in the city.

Venice is just one city, we should all be living on mountains anyway. All you fuckers who demand waterfront are getting whats coming to you. Saying this, I live just 16 feet above sea-level on an island, so if all this is true, I am in the tubes in a big way.

~

"LAST week, America Online introduced the first broadband television network on the World Wide Web, fueling the question, Has the Internet truly been a net positive for civilization?"

No.

We here at TVFR can answer that question in the affirmative. Were it not for the internet, you wouldn't have TVFR.

This is still dead fucking wrong.

You seem a tad on the left side of grouchy today, Anton. Get a worm in your apple?

" The focus is on programming either no longer in syndication, and in some cases unavailable on DVD. The effect is a kind of diminishment on the Warner Brothers brand because if you have typically thought of Warner Brothers as the purveyor of classic cartoons or the production apparatus that brought us "Friends," Why do you know this Paul, be needing more friends are we? I've been reading the NY Times. What do you think? you will now think of it as the engine of "F Troop" and "Growing Pains" (each, as it happens, classified as vintage).

Vintage to me, I've never heard of the fucking shows. Then again I stay clear of the television save core news for a good laugh and The Price is Right for prime viewage. Bob Barker should be frozen to repopulate the earth after World War Three.

Oh good God, you evil po.

"Growing Pains" seems to occupy some exalted point of fascination in the culture, of which I've heretofore been unaware. On the site's message boards it receives more postings than any other show — 285 as of yesterday morning, 28 of them devoted to the subject of Kirk Cameron's sexuality and 61 to the matter of his religious leanings."

I am afraid of the world we live in.

Ending sentences with a preposition, you should be more afraid of me. But you'll only be middle aged by the end of this century so I figure by the time it's all over, you'll have suffered enough. Look on the bright side; you can watch syndicated re-runs of The Price is Right well into your nineties and your great great great grandkids will still think it's cute.

I'm already old enough to remember how cute Audrey Hepburn was.

March 24, 2006.

And the propagandists saw the work thus done and verily did they cream their pants as one...

The People's Daily, the mouthpiece of the Party reported on the attendance thereof by the People's Minister for Foreign Affairs today.

If you thought all that "People's" nonsense was old hat and the Chinese government had outgrown all that hokey bullshit, think again. They're still up to their People's eyeballs in it.

Get a load of this classic bit of Party-speak.

"There are no national boundaries as far as news is concerned, he said, but newsmen have nationalities. Therefore we must love the motherland, be pragmatic and always have the people in mind. He thanked People's Daily Online for its support of China's diplomacy and hoped for more cooperation between the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and People's Daily, PD Online.

Looks like a happy little party if not poorly catered. In not one of those pictures did I see a cup of coffee or even a bowl of rice. Conclusion: these people need not the sustenance a regular human would.

The Minister wrote the following words for People's Daily Online: "The motherland lives forever and the people are always put first."

Right, people first... after the motherland?

Did that sentence really finish there?

~




"What the Bug was that?" They all said...

It's the fastest production car in the world. End le story.

~

Google.com, whose ads we love and on which you should click just for the hell of it, has made into the really big time, the S & P 500 share index.

Reuters says, "Google's market value of $101.1 billion would make it the 19th-largest member of the S&P 500 based on Thursday's closing prices."

If you want to get on it, the price of just one share in Google is $372.71. We're not recommending it. Two words spring to mind.

Global Conquest.

No, not those two, these two: Remember Amazon.

I apologize to those of you who were tricked as I was into believing global conquest were in fact the two words.

Global conquest is for what TVFR is aiming.

~

The Christian Science monitor reports from Kabul the man the Afghani authorities arrested for converting to Christianity faces execution for the crime of converting to Christianity from Islam.

I am not even Islamic and I think that may have been a bad idea.

Those crazy moslems obviously haven't got over the Crusades from 850 years ago yet.

No comment. It is hard to weigh who is mo' crazy up in the religion dilio.

What's strange about all of this, as the CS Monitor reports, is they're willing to blow themselves up for Allah, they don't like the religion where it's namesake was executed for his beliefs - yet they somehow think theirs is the superior religion.

More martyrs, more better religion neh?

"A 41-year-old Afghan man, Abdul Rahman, is being tried for converting to Christianity 16 years ago. If found guilty by the Afghan court he faces the death penalty. The judge in the case, Ansarullah Mawlazezadah, has commented to ABC News, "We will ask [Rahman] if he has changed his mind about being a Christian. If he has, we will forgive him, because Islam is a religion of tolerance."

YEAH RIGHT.

No, I believe it. Death is a great thing to hold over someones head when converting them. Plus Christianity is way less hard core in keeping their followers so I think Islam may have a good chance converting him. I'll give 2-1 he converts.

March 23, 2006 on its head

In the world of blogging, there are ways to do things and then there are ways not to do things. In England, Tracy Williams did the wrong thing for the wrong reason and now she's in TVFR.

Or the right reason, if you take a spin on this. Tracy just did what people with no idea what goes on around them normally do. People like her just bitch about whatever is bothering them.

We've just discovered, courtesy of IT Vibe, that Ms Williams got busted for slandering a local MP in her blog. Whether or not the guy deserved it is irrelevant. If you're going to slag someone off, you don't accuse them of actually doing something unless everyone knows they've done it.

Do not attempt this on your own blog, we are trained professionals. Do feel free to email us what eggs ya and we will crack that yolk faster than a parisian omelette maker (if you don't like the pun I will [pun]t you).

Although TVFR would have better worded the report, this is how it was reported by IT Vibe:

"A judge has ordered an internet blogger to pay £10,000 in compensation after she accused a Parliamentary candidate of being a 'racist bigot' and 'sex offender' in a landmark case."

Those insults are so cliche, in this day and age you have to be more experimental. As long as you're making it up you might as well make them unforgettable. If you are ever slandering someone try these simple variations on old favourites "I saw him beating a [minority] woman and her kid because they asked for change, he didn't even let her finish, they were asking change for a fiver." (works best on outgoing public officials). For desk workers you can try "[So-and-so] solicited a prostitute to teach my eight year old [son, cousin, daughter, nephew, whatever is believable] how to commit sodomy against my wishes" (this is good because you can change it to varying severities by adding prostitutes or lowering the childs age, also if you absolutely must, you can claim that the child was kidnapped for the day).

Plus, babies exploding always makes good copy.

If we felt so strongly about someone, we'd have given much more florid labels and backed our claims with evidence. Silly silly woman.

Also remember that you can just toss on allegations that are easy to prove wrong to avoid lawsuits. These will not do much individually but will help to weaken the persons public image as more rumor spread. Homosexuality and incest are good starting points.

I am seriously beginning to wonder about you, Anton.


In much better news, ETA news - as it happens, the Basque separatist group in Spain has decided to put away their guns and bombs after only 40 years of random violence.

Anton?

The Scotsman reports... "In a videotaped statement, three masked ETA members said they were laying down their weapons to promote democracy in the northern Spanish region."

We here at TVFR believe in democracy. We also can't see the sense of killing people you want to vote to support your cause.

Earth to Anton...

We also don't speak Spanish so we have no idea what everyone was yabbering about anyway - and now it doesn't matter. We just hope they're not all taking up flying lessons.

Terrorists are serious business. Especially terrorists that won't understand us when we insult them. Good on these ones for laying low, this will make the next terror act they do that much more impactful.

Oh now I see... you were off inventing new wordage. Good stuff. Nothing's as impactful as an exploding Subaru, huh.

Canada: 101 Satan: 0

No, not Satan W Bush, I'm talking about Old Nick's attempt to snare 101 people who were just going about their normal everyday business aboard a ferry in British Columbia when he decided a dirty big rock was just what the 400 ft ferry needed to hit.

Why any of you people should care, I don't know. I live close to where this all happened so that's the only reason I heard about it.

Bunch'a passengers, bunch'a crew, tonnes of cargo and maybe 20 cars were aboard.

There were fears for 2 of the 101 people on board, but they were just playing hard to get. The latest news we got says all on board were rescued.

Boats that big sink slow. Also Canadians are really avid when it comes to radio monitoring and amateur rescue -when we ain't drunk, stoned, or building another igloo for our beer. It's all we can find to do.

Well it sure beats shaving beavers oi

"The president of B.C. Ferries, David Hahn, said he was thankful for the crew members who did their jobs after the accident.

What he wanted to say was "Holy fuck the ferry buisness might go bankrupt. After that bullshit with the fast ferries, we are on short ropes.

"It's unfortunate to lose the ship, but if that's the cost of having nobody really hurt or killed, then fine, I think we'll live with that," Hahn added."

A few attention starved individuals pretended to be hurt and killed? Learn to talk David Hahn.

Booyah Cashah David Hahn! We may just send you a TVFR t-shirt some day. (When we make them.)

I'll send you a brochure for linguistics.


TVFR knows about the coyote they captured in New York's Central Park. However, because of the nauseatingly predictable headline, we thought we'd give it a miss and damn CNN to hell for running with it.

Well maybe if there weren't so many gosh darn roadrunners up in Central Park we could avoid such tragic occurences, or maybe if you didn't try to invade every bit of nature you have with highrises and tourist traps... Anyway, that coyote is as good as dead, like hell they would spend the money relocating it.

They've also hinted that Japan is suspending loans to China after a worsening of diplomatic relations between the two countries. Kinda missed the boat there, we think. China's just done the deal with Russia and Autoboston.com will be breaking the story about China's deals with U.S. car manufacturers. Sorry Japan, but who needs you anyway?

Jam those Priuses where the sun don't shine and turn it into a new tv game show.

Fuck Japan, nobody will listen to you unless you wave a military advantage in their face. Just look at America (the part that is arrogant enough to call themselves the Americans) as an example of excellence in foriegn policy.

Phwoar! And you reckon I'm halfway less than modest.

I'm packing darkies even to tell you by whom TVFR is supported now!

TVFR is brought to you by AutoBoston.com and

22nd March, 2006. International Day of the Yawn.

It's sleepy hollow here at TVFR today, where we break news like the wind, because we reported the rigged election in Belarus 3 days ago and at the time of this writing, 1851 news sources from around the world are still banging on about it.

You may be expecting something along the lines of a year reference for the number 1851. January 1, 1851 was a Monday. There, happy? Also this was the year news went for shit with The New York Times being founded.

One day earlier, we told you about the student unrest in Paris. Now, 4 days later, there are 926 people catching up to us.

Tell them what they've won! By the way, 926BC didn't see much action, just some stuff in Korea but you people don't even care about their nuclear weapons program so I won't bore you with thier culture.

Though fewer in number, the significance of 90-odd blatts updating the story on the Thai prime minister that we told you about a whole week ago proves yet again that TVFR is your best source of information EVER.

Aint he modest. But, straight from the lips of a god (we asked the ass end of a dog), this is the best radio news never simulcast to the globe.

We don't just bring you the newest news, we get into its cupboards and chew holes in its Weeties packets as well. We don't just bring you stories about what's going on, we make it relevant. Truly, very fucking relevant.

It's relevant... I swear, even if our tangents are not, the news we chew for you is real.

The Backstreet Boys are going to write a song about us.
Set that shit on repeat and just let the mojo flow. The song will be a good way to get your girlfriend's top off as well as a great way to remove other things, like the paint from a wall or the galvanized coating off a nail.

Anyway, you want to know who made the news today for all the wrong reasons. And TVFR is going to serve it up to you on our multicoloured platform yet again and courtesy of your two favourite Victorians.

The platform can be the colours of mauve, taupe, sapphire, and canary yellow for those of you who choose not to use your imagination and like to be told what to think.

Firstly, to fat bastards, and Pakistan's President, General Pervez Musharif sat around sipping Chardonnay and nibbling canapes while observing his military boffins test firing a new cruise missile. As Musharif commented on the lovely spring weather, The Hindu reported everyone else within a 500km radius, and particularly those under the missile's flight path, promptly shat themselves.

Note to self, invest in adult diapers for the middle east.

TVFR isn't impressed by this sort of thing. We don't mind adult diapers, but building a missile capable of carrying a nuclear warhead across an international boundary means somewhere, someone in your country is getting their drinking water from a sewer because you've got your priorities abjectly arse-about.

"Skim the floaties. Thats right, now let it separate, good, skim again, mhmm, now I think they said to heat it on the fire for half an hour..."

Two fat bastards got together in Beijing to sign commercial agreements so their mates can be fatter bastards and send their fat bastard children to posh colleges in England and Baltimore. Mosnews reports Russian president Vladimir Putin and Chinese Plesident Hu Jintao are signing big fat contracts to supply one another with 15 different commodities including the construction of an oil pipeline from Russia into China, shipments of natural gas and as reliable a source of electricity as Russia can provide. (There was no discussion about trading in whale meat, a boutique Russian industry that has Alaskans melting glaciers in their collective fury.)

In return for all this purchase of fuel and energy, Chinese consortia are to build some billion dollar shack in St Petersburg and show president Putin's wife how to make those little spring rolls with the crispy skins.

The article says something more along the lines of "St. Petersburg Governor Valentina Matviyenko, China Eximbank President Li Ruo Gu and Shanghai United Foreign Investment Company Cai Laixing signed an agreement on strategic cooperation as part of the Baltic Pearl project, a $1-billion neighborhood in St. Petersburg which is supposed to be built by Chinese companies." but who are we to not belittle the big guns.

Actually, that's exactly what the article says - and who are we not to belittle the big guns?

Making fat bastards fatter, Forbes confirmed the observations made here by TVFR two days ago, the one about the television not being altogether conducive to a healthy lifestyle, but added their own two cents' worth in an effort to trump TVFR.

They have come to the conclusion that watching soap operas makes you dumber.

When Days of Our Lives is a day in your life, shoot yourself. You are a waste of air and food that could go to a starving child in a third world country who would grow up to take over the USoCNA, or drive a plane into it. Too soon to be making jokes? Get over it, you had your revenge when you started bombing hospitals "accidently" oh yeah I am in news now, "I aint s'pposed t' bring that shit up.

Forgot malaria, didn't you. Stoat.

I know this news is slightly older than that to which regular readers of TVFR are used, but here is official confirmation of what we would have told you if anyone had bothered to ask...

"MONDAY, March 20 (HealthDay News) -- Could Oprah and General Hospital be bad for your brain?" Could there possibly be any doubt? New research suggests that elderly women who watch daytime soap operas and talk shows are more likely to suffer from cognitive impairment than women who abstain from such fare.

Oprah sells books, when I write my perioud piece "Which Hand To Jerk Off With", I hope I get on her bookclub's "to read" list. I love how you thin blooded feminist's will all prescribe to what a female dictator says, but not always what an elected official will say.


We like the way this is worded, what it says makes us tremble with glee at the prospect of being proved right yet again. But most of all, we like it because it tells you what you really need to know, which is...

Turn off the television and go outside. You fat bastards.

"Woo look at me "I am trembling with the glee of a thousand schoolgirls"

OMG, you've been hanging around in Myspace again, haven't you.


TVFR is brought to you by AutoBoston.com and

March 20th - ish.

CTV reports of a massive bed bug problem.

Since we know you want TVFR's perspective on this, and since Anton found the report before I did, it comes down to this:

Lefty greenies have reamed you again.

"The current generation of exterminators has been caught unaware by these pests, which were all but forgotten for decades. They blame the comeback on several factors, primarily increased global travel and the banning of potent pesticides like DDT."

Ok everyone, we need more limbless children with crooked spines so that the limbed kids with straight spines can not have to itch. Also, no traveling to those "dirty places" (which is anywhere but our notorious world hegemony, The USMNA -read early issues, you will figure it out- then back to the overcrowded but oh-so-lovable cities like NYC where they grow quickly off the blood of prostitutes, politicians, and gang-banga-homies (Bad Boys II, even though I am talking about New York City and not Miami -Miami being the setting for Bad Boys II which isn't all that great a movie now that I think about it, moving right along- black people in a nut shell. Disclaimer: Satire) whereupon they multiply and become an epidemic of a global (if you live in the USMNA, where New York is the world) scale.

Those gormless whinging stoats are all too quick to say how DDT caused birth defects and cancer in every living thing it touched, well, a percentage of them then. Ok, there were more than 20 cases...

What did you call me? LIMBLESS CHILDREN. Paul, don't even grow old enough to get Malaria..

Don't worry, Anton, I still love you - gormless whinging stoat though you are.

What they won't tell you is how many hundreds of thousands of people have died from malaria and other insect born diseases which the usage of DDT prevented. Malaria, for those who didn't know, is the biggest killer of them all. Forget South L.A. after sundown, in the world of the underfed, malaria is the New Auschwitz.

I am fine with DDT for personal use, No wonder you smell like Dettol! like OFF or Raid or that shit but don't go putting it in our lakes again. (By the way DDT only kills the eggs of mosquitoes by making them too weak to mature the fetus. Jerk.) Malarial mosquitoes only carry malaria anyway, someone has to give it to them. What we really need is a malaria that kills mosquitoes, that would solve all our problems.

You spent half the morning looking all this up, didn't you.

"Malaria causes an estimated 2.7 million deaths per year, with most of these deaths occurring in Africa."

Oh fudge Africa, you still have to pay a person to care about those people, unless its South Africa where we are supposed to care because they just aren't "White Democratic" enough. Even those "Doctors abroad" probably only do it for the great jobs and loads of attention they get when they come back.

Makes you wonder what they put in Aerogard, doesn't it.

Aerogard, did they even spell that right, forget a "u" maybe? That's just one of those things lost in the news that they will never teach in schools isn't it.



Gotta hand it to those greenies. They've made the planet a better place for mosquitoes the world over. And Anton, this stuff is insect repellent. You're not supposed to snort it.

Ok, rant over.

Good riddance to that.

~

Canada 1: U.S.A: 0

"Tokyo — All but one of the eight Canadian meat processing plants that export to Japan have been given a clean bill of health by Japanese inspectors, a government statement said Monday."

I've seen the McDonalds commercial and I believe it, Canada makes some fine beef and America can bend over if they want it in their country.

So says Globeandmail.com

The on again - off again supply of beef to Japan has been going on since December 2003 when Bovine Spongiform Encephalitis (mad cow if your not a pompous word prick) was discovered in exports from the U.S of the middle of North A and Canada.

Exporters in both countries have been going nuts trying to get the exports back on track, but it seems the Canadians, anxious to win back the support of a valuable client have done what the client wants, whereas Uncle Sam has been trying to get the client to do what the supplier wants.

"What! A place that knows what they want before we tell them? I'm telling God on you."

Apparently, Lucky Eddie's Bull, Beef & Burger Emporium on West 42nd Street didn't satisfy the cagey Japanese government inspectors and not even the prospect of a free set of steak knives could persuade them otherwise.

TVFR isn't surprised. That place doesn't even exist.

I'm sure TVFR readers are astute enough to realize BSE is more commonly known as Mad Cow Disease (I told you just in case - if you were paying attention). It's very nasty and makes your rissoles taste like shit, but there is another form of Mad Cow Disease and unlike other illnesses peculiar to the fairer sex, this one can't be blamed on the menstrual cycle.

An example of one manifestation of the other form of Mad Cow Disease became evident when its sufferer presented at the halls of Emessen exhibiting extremely bizarre behaviour, bordering on the purely insane.

Melissa Sue Robinson, Democrat 2006 primaries representative hopeful,
signed up for a hotmail email address (idtwinmsr@hotmail.com), joined God knows how many Emessen message boards and posted the following message:

I need Your Donations for my Campaign

Dear Fellow Democrats,

My name is Melissa Sue Robinson and I am running for the Michigan House of Representatives in the 68th District in the August 2006 Primary Election. I have ran(run) for office 6 times but I haven't been able to get far due to the lack of money.(Or personality) I am in Michigan and it's hard to raise money right now due to our poor economy. I know how to run a successful campaign but I don't have money for a campaign office (and its utilities), political signs, or literature.

If any of the Michigan people wanted to support your (presumably) feminist agenda then they would scrape together some pennies and send them your way. If you have -oh what was it called again- support- then people in your riding (that's what "Conaydeons" call them, you might call them battlefields or, onion patches) will make a t-shirt or a sign and bung it out on their lawn. If the economy is sour, just promise them jobs and no beer tax, even if you don't follow through you still get four years out of it (Hell, Bush is going on seven).

Please see it in your hearts to donate to my campaign. My life's dream is to give back to society and help Michigan through elected office. I am 56 years old and not getting any younger. I need to win this year and I can do it with your help.

Then just die already, whiny ol' bitch. While you're at it get a domain name and some Microsoft Outlook 98 from a bargain bin so your email will be professional. Shitty thing is that some money flooded democrat might send her money, *sigh* God bless America, it's a dirty job but someone has to do it.

With Warm Regards,
Melissa Sue Robinson
Make Checks Payable to:
The Committee to Elect
Melissa Sue Robinson
for State Representative 68th District
1121 East Larned St.Lansing, MI.
48912-1747(517) 371-1103
melisrob@tds.net
http://www.melissasuerobinson.homestead.com/
Melissa Sue Robinson

Gotta love the free website.

I want homestead to have my babies. TDS can adopt the extras that MelisRob won't eat. Again, I only presume she eats them.

Al Gore was overheard by a TVFR staffer to have said, "What the fucking hell is that?"

TVFR hasn't stopped laughing since we saw this yesterday. We don't even live there!

I actually never started laughing, sad to say Paul laughs alone on this.

It's sad but true. Anton's entire life has been spent laughing 'on the inside'. If you're lucky once in a while, and he doesn't know you're watching, you might just catch a hint of a smile.

~

U.S. photographer and voyeur extraordinaire, Spencer Tunick, the guy who persuades people all around the planet to swarm together in massive groups and take all their clothes off so he can photograph them in unlikely poses, has bobbed up in Caracas to snap the clackers of the Venezuelan clothes shy.

I saw a documentary on this and I would just like to say that he photographed a burn victim on the ice in Antarctica, true story, after that he photographed his girlfriend who was pretty hot all things considered (All things is pretty much that the guy talks like a girl and is pretty "big boned" in a hormones for allergies sort of way). I can definitely see why some *snort*-with a mirror and a razor- art critics might lay some comments on it. Like the whole massive sex free naked body orgy wasn't done to death, what he does, they might as well have clothes on.

The Australian newspaper has the report with a picture of the sort of people who give nudity a bad name.

You might wonder what interest The Oz has in the exploits *ahem* of Spencer Tunick in far flung Venezuela so it might interest you to know that Oz has had this interest since Spencer did his stuff in Melbourne.

All around the world, he gets interest from thousands of people willing to bare all for the sake of art, but seldom does he get as many people actually turning up. When he was in Melbourne, he almost had to enlist the help of the Army to stem the tide of Melburnians (Melbournians is a word too but "I ain't gonna front" on a resident) who stampeded in vast numbers to get their gear off and pose naked.

The Oz just wants to see if any other venue gets as enthusiastic as we did and so far, nobody else has even come close.

It's also the only time he's had his shoot publicized on a grand scale (being it coincided with your major art convention in that pretty building that looks like a flayed woodbug). He could have made it a "big thing" so that every city got it set up to snap one on a grand scale, I could see The Empress or The Parliament buildings covered in naked people, it would be cool (thanks McGill's random picture site for the photos. )

TVFR is moved to ask why it is that those most eager to pose nude in public are those least suited to do so. Modern art is ugly, but it doesn't have to be stomach churning.

Anton is moved to ask why he doesn't just stick to group photos of nudist colonies.

Check out Autoboston if you like auto's in Boston... Check out the rest of Blogger if you wan't shit that isn't as cool as this.

March 19th or something

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you

So say Keith Urban's lyrics but we here at TVFR tend to take a dim view when the clowns take up rifles in strategic vantage points around the central square where the president is making a speech to a disgruntled crowd.

London's Times Online brings us news of vote rigging and strong arm tactics marking this election as pretty damn smelly.

But before you Americans get all hyperactive and start looking for Charlton Heston's phone number, the election we're talking about isn't yours from 2 years ago, it was in Belarus this weekend.

Too bad for Belarus, we westerners don't care. It is obvious we don't due solely to the fact that if we did, we would have done something about it. Unfortunately for Belarus they have nothing the US wants, using more oil than they can make - and not in a United States way. That oil isn't even used to make bombs or guns or factories or anything cool and scary, neh, all that deficit just gets sucked into the vacuum of failed socialism.

(Interestingly enough, if you look at this map of Belarus, its capital, Minsk, looks like it sits in a pair of crosshairs.)

We're just bringing you this report because it sounded so familiar.

~

In a move to oust God as leader of the known universe, Australian physicists from Macquarie University have found "the best evidence yet that the universe expanded from the size of a marble to the vastness of known space in the first trillion trillion trillionth of a second of its existence. Space, it says, is big. Really big. And if their evidence proves their theories, it's also faster than a Somalian with a McDonalds voucher.

That one stung and I only know the Somalian that picked the beans for my coffee - my "supplier" if you would.

Because it's a slow news day today, here are two quaint observations from the article: "It appears that the infant universe had the kind of growth spurt that would alarm any mom or dad" Yeah, we're laughing our arses off too.

I am a pompous scientist, I have the temerity to call the universe an infant when -in comparison to... everthing we know to exist- it is the oldest thing, ever - Mr Johns Hopkins scientist. The real piss off here is that he made this less than true remark (news talk for bullshit) twice! Our Universe is in Johns Hopkins wherein I can only see toasting of tosspots at many an elite only cocktail party.

"What caused that growth spurt? Cosmologists suspect it was the breakdown of a "superforce" that co-existed with the force of gravity. It split into the electromagnetic force and the strong and weak nuclear forces. But to find out for sure, Professor Davies says the next step is to obtain evidence about exactly what went on during the inflation phase."

By the way, we realize that -so long as your religion allows- this is old news, for you allowed by your preception of a higher power the universe has been expanding at a rate that doesn't really matter. Everything in it is expanding at the same exact rate so to everyone watching -without trillions of dollars in financing- nothing is happening out of the ordinary.

Oliver Stone is going to turn this whole concept into a blockbuster political thriller.

The breakdown of the United States of the middle of North America, which co-existed with The Coalition of the Willing, split into rival factions and the strong nuclear force (us) and the weak nuclear force (them).

Intrepid freedom fighter, Charlton Heston is sent to find the evidence about the causation of the massive inflation which caused the break up and the trail leads straight to Rupert Murdoch.

Meanwhile, Michael Moore sits in a self-storage unit in New York screaming "I am not an animal." But he would like his burrito.

~

Ahem.

The Baltimore Sun got itself stuck between the devilled egg sandwiches and the deep fried chicken dish today with this little number on the problem of obesity.

I don't see it as a problem, more a solution.

Oh, shit...

Anyone stupid enough not to change their ways by eating less and exercising more has what's coming to them. I know some of you are "big boned" or "on growth hormones for your allergies" or even "short for your weight" but that's a crock of shit and you people better get out there before the excess gravity implodes your fat "marbled" hearts.

Everyone knows the food industry spends billions on advertising and media outlets derive 99% of their revenue from advertising. It's a brave move to run stories about dieting and exercise when you face the prospect of losing advertising revenue from the very people who provided the catalyst for the story in the first place.

So we think a bit of kudos is due the Baltimore Sun for the story. (And because we like to make fun at the expense of fat pigs who subscribe to the view that satiation equals happiness. They'd eat their own children if they could upsize their fries and coke for no extra cost.)

Dude, could you like, imagine and stuff if like, super sized were free and stuff?

You mean...



Companies have tried to help people make better choices, says Robert Earl of the Food Products Association, a lobbying group that indicts sedentary lifestyles and poor choices, offering healthier products and more nutrition data.

But critics call Earl's assessment disingenuous. Personal responsibility has limits in the face of a multibillion-dollar marketing whirlwind pushing countless high-calorie treats.

That is true, you Americans are easily swayed by propag-- no wait, advertising.

Turn the television off and go outside.
Or not, God loves you either way right?. One thing for sure is you have two choices and one will have you meet him faster.

"[Food companies] are putting $36 billion into directing those choices," says Marion Nestle,(Now there's an unfortunate name!) a nutrition professor at New York University and critic of the food industry. "And their methods are very effective."

They know what you greasebags (non greasebags excluded) want... and its bags of grease.

Personal responsibility also falters when it comes to children, who are bombarded by junk food ads that undermine parents.

Parents, your kids are only your responsibility. As a person who once was a child, there is a very fine line to how much "no" they can take. But if you avoid fake ideas like Superman, Santa, and The Easter Bunny (Pink is for flowers, not bunnies) and teach them real ideas like obesity will kill you and, running is fun and good for you, then they might go on and amount to something that can be measured in more than just mass.

Turn the television off and go outside.
Or don't; God, love, etc. (see above)

Nestle acknowledges that it becomes a chicken-or-egg question. Lifestyles have changed, and Americans want to eat big and on the run. Did that lead food companies to change, or did new products change Americans?

Turn the television off and go outside.

Industry officials contend that market demand and a sense of social responsibility are better catalysts for change, they say.

Is TVFR the only news source with any sense? Turn the fucking television off and go outside, you fat bastards.
Still, you should check TVFR everyday for mental exercise, then get the fuck outdoors.

Absolutely.

Big fat disclaimer: TVFR is brought to you by AutoBoston.com and

Like that? Yeah, we can sell it out to the man too!

Saturday March 18th.

Reuters, one of those two bastions of respectable wire services pumping out articles of interest and giving them the glorified status of importance for over 4000 years, reports from Paris what we here at TVFR brought to you last week - because we're just that damn good - that the students in Paris will do anything to avoid anything that gives the impression of being self responsibility.

Mainstream news aint got nuthin on TVFR.

Click here to see much anguish and turmoil and people with their mouths open.

"The protesters demand that Villepin withdraw a new youth job contract, known as the CPE, which lets firms fire workers under 26 without explanation in their first two years on the job. He launched it to spur reluctant employers to take on new staff.

See? Nothing's changed since you heard it here first. It's no wonder they lost the war.

Well to be honest we do rip our articles from reputable sources so in a way they "cover" the article first but we are the first to give you the . I do like how this article actually mentioned the terms of the law though, the last article just mentioned how ticked off these lazy students were. Still the only people who have anything to worry about are the teenagers (for whom it would be rare to hold a job for 2 years anyway) and the uneducated people (for whom it would be rare to hold a job for 2 years). This law is very much one that passed here to lower the working age to 12 and have a starting wage implemented (six Canadian dollars per Canadian hour) and still I don't see 12 year olds working anywhere nor do I see people all that discouraged to work their first three-hundred hours at six bucks. Truth is these laws just make kids and young adults more employable.

Now, even I don't know what to make of this next item...

"WASHINGTON, DC, United States (UPI) -- After a week of wrangling between the United States and other U.N. Security Council members, the council Friday discussed a draft statement on Iran`s nuclear activities behind closed doors, but was still not ready to adopt it. The hold-up was a familiar one: differences over the right diplomatic language. The Bush administration, backed by France and Britain, wants to send a strong message to the ruling ayatollahs: Russia, China, and other council members were reluctant to push the Iranians too far. "

The right diplomatic language???

Where every word - such as the words appearing in a dictionary or a thesaurus of admirable content - is dutifully explained and systems of redundance implemented. These words are said again in many different ways to accomplish redundance.

~

Sport:

Isn't Australia doing rather well at the Commonwealth Games being held here in my hometown... Smugness is its own reward sometimes.

Go take some pictures of it you lazy prude.

At the conclusion of Day 3 of competion, Australia have won more gold medals than England, India, Scotland and South Africa (who are 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th on the medal tally) COMBINED.

Cheaters, I'll bet koalas are a steroid masking agent.

Smoke that one, Anton.

I'll tell you what you can smoke on Paul.

(Oh, and we beat South Africa by a record 7 wickets in two and a half days of a five day match in the first Test at Durban yesterday too.)

Cricket talk, If you don't understand it, you are not alone. If you don't understand it and you are Australian, what the hell is wrong with you.

Australians all let us rejoice...

~

Oh me oh my, I would hate to be a member of the government in France right now.

Business Week reports from the hotel room of a couple of Reuters reporters (where it's more or less safe) that a copyright amendment law adopted Friday would end Apple's hegemony over music file formats, giving rivals access to the most popular music download site - iTunes - for use in their own crappy players.

I have had a warranty application in the works at Apple since September 29th 05 and my Ipod hasn't worked since the second week of August. This post however stirred me into calling them again (Attempt 5 or something) whereupon I got the same cheery girl as last time. I let her have it, then I let my Dad have a go at her. According to Marie I should have my box within 2 days (Direct courier, no cost to me) I have the patience of a humble ghost so she is lucky. I have however been telling people about my dismay and turning heads to alternative media players.

The Frenchies think this will put an end to anti-competitive practices. Sony thinks Anton's word-of-mouth anti-advertising will put an end to iPod. The French government is on Anton's side. I couldn't care less either way. I still have a Walkman.

Personally I am a huge fan of French labour laws, if you are French, know French people from France or visit France often you will know how they manage sales dates and the like to keep the integral small businesses - like the one-shop dress makers and jewelers in Paris - intact and profitable. It would also rock to be able to play OGM's on my iPod.

An Apple spokesperson whom shall remain nameless was overheard in the corridors of TVFR as saying "Fuck 'em, well just pack up, leave France and take our bloody iPods with us."

I can't believe you just made up an French Apple spokes person.

Who said I made him up? Next you'll be telling me I'm not really having lunch with Charles De Gaulle next Thursday.

I't aint exactly fair that Apple have to give up their empire, but this can only help Apple grow iTunes for other media devices and hopefully have them build new colours of the "pods" (the big ones)

So those rioting students, when they hear about this little number, are going to be doubly pissed because they won't be able to drop by the internet cafe on their way to the protests to download the latest from iTunes. They'll be stuck listening to Plastic Bertrand's Ca Plane Pour Moi until their eyes bleed.

You're always listening to that song... hypocrite.

Contre nous de la tyrannie, n'est pas?

Parle STFU?

Non.

Au revoir les pommes d'iPod.